Estrangement

 Sirach : 3 : 11 - The blessing of the father strengthens the houses of the sons; but the curse of the mother uproots even its foundation. 

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My mother uses this version, "a father's blessing builds up the home, but a mother's tears destroy even its foundation."  I never knew that I would return to this biblical phrase in a more deeply personal level.  I built my home with my husband whom I shared my life with for 27 years until he passed away.  

Four years after his death, the memory of that life completely crumbled, washed away by sadness and grief and inexplicable loss.  It wasn't that I did not accept the inevitability of death.  It has always been at the back of my mind, neatly tucked away in some poorly conceived human contraption; repressed by the urgency of day to day living and the anxieties of life.

The tears flowed freely from a life I cannot contain as it breathes its way to freedom.  I knew that in time, everyone in your life ultimately leaves.  But when a person you love chooses to slam the door on the way out, screaming a life of victimhood and blame, the very foundation of the home that you built tenuously breaks.

This home is not made of bricks and mortar but it bleeds with every painful, recriminating word.  This home is my heart.  It cuts me like a knife to have to see and experience the fragility of familial bonds.  It is no more fleeting than a stranger's incidental meeting and a lifetime cultivating it can be destroyed in a heart beat, with a finality that is like death.

And so the tears will continue to flow and I have no idea how to stop it.  I just have to trust God that in the end everything will be okay.  I continue to pray and outwardly find meaning and purpose in my daily life.  But to say that I am not sad and to insist that my tears are consoled by the people around me is to understate the depths of my sorrow and loss.