Why Do I Still Live?

I know it has been awhile and I have kept my silence.  It is not because I have moved on.  I’m caught in a bind.  I really would like to feel whole again in your absence and so I stayed away from writing about you.  But my thoughts and feelings are so intense.  I didn’t want to be caught in the undertow.

I am keeping my head above the roiling waters, trying to breathe, wanting to live again.  Yet here I am lost as if it was just yesterday when you died.  I feel unable to take hold of a lifeline.  It seems I don’t want to be saved.

I keep going back in my mind to how our world together ended.  It was abrupt without any rhyme or reason.  One day, you just complained of extreme pain and next thing you were condemned to die.  Why not me?  Why do I still live?

You were the one grasping for the straw to live.  You were the one who saw beauty and joy and life in everything.  Why cut that short?  Why?