Bereft of Emotions
I remembered immediately after you were gone that my whole senses became numbed. I was completely bereft of emotions. This lack of affect troubled the nurses who proceeded to clean you up in preparation for transport to the funeral home. One of the nurses asked, “Are you going to be alright?” I said I was okay.
I lied. I didn’t know until much later how I tried to shield myself from the trauma of losing you by completely shutting down. I went through the motions of signing the release form to consign your body to the funeral home. I told the health counselors, family, and friends that you were in a better place. I didn’t shed a tear as I read your eulogy during the memorial service. I must have looked strong; a tower of strength.
That was farthest from the truth. I was crumbling inside but I couldn’t feel anything. I was in deep denial. I too felt dead. It felt like I fell into a bottomless pit; free-falling without fear, deep into a depression. Climbing back to the land of the living didn’t happen overnight. Sometimes I would take a step towards living and slip right back when I see how empty everything looks when you are no longer there.
To make sense of this loss is to preserve my sanity. To dwell on the pain of loss and to focus on the emptiness of an unknown future serve me poorly. The past is dead and the future yearns to be born. There is only the moment. And in this moment lies immense power. I will seize every moment to live again.
I lied. I didn’t know until much later how I tried to shield myself from the trauma of losing you by completely shutting down. I went through the motions of signing the release form to consign your body to the funeral home. I told the health counselors, family, and friends that you were in a better place. I didn’t shed a tear as I read your eulogy during the memorial service. I must have looked strong; a tower of strength.
That was farthest from the truth. I was crumbling inside but I couldn’t feel anything. I was in deep denial. I too felt dead. It felt like I fell into a bottomless pit; free-falling without fear, deep into a depression. Climbing back to the land of the living didn’t happen overnight. Sometimes I would take a step towards living and slip right back when I see how empty everything looks when you are no longer there.
To make sense of this loss is to preserve my sanity. To dwell on the pain of loss and to focus on the emptiness of an unknown future serve me poorly. The past is dead and the future yearns to be born. There is only the moment. And in this moment lies immense power. I will seize every moment to live again.