To Live Again
How do you live again when a part of you died? I thought I knew the answer to this question. My logical brain will tell me how — one step at a time. I remembered when patients asked me a similar question, “how do I walk again now that I’m paralyzed?” And the logical answer then was — one step at a time.
That was a simple answer. Life is more complex than that and it begs for more than just a simple answer. I’m afraid I do not have the answer to this question. Perhaps I oversimplified by labeling things and putting them in neatly categorized boxes. This makes perfect sense when there is a canned response for everything.
Oh if it were that simple, I would have a ready response to tell myself I need to take one step at a time every day. Each day I wake up is a struggle. There are habits that revolve around people and things that are no longer there. I have to fill in the void, create new habits, and start a brand new routine. I have to live again somewhat differently.
I have to begin to think, act, and be someone else. I have to improvise and make up a different persona. I have to find something to cheer me up when I don’t feel like it. I have to act as if I know all the answers even when I don’t have a clue. I have to appear as if I got it altogether even when the world for me is gone.
To live again after a devastating loss requires I don a different mask. It does not feel “right” just yet but then this is just the first step to recreating a semblance of “living.” Truthfully, there are experiences that change us. I am a different person after life altering experiences.
The old self dies and in its place a stranger takes over. I have to nurture this evolving stranger that is fighting to live. In her heart, she keeps the comforting company of old familiar thoughts and feelings. She’s still the same and yet different. This is how it feels to live again when a part of you died.
That was a simple answer. Life is more complex than that and it begs for more than just a simple answer. I’m afraid I do not have the answer to this question. Perhaps I oversimplified by labeling things and putting them in neatly categorized boxes. This makes perfect sense when there is a canned response for everything.
Oh if it were that simple, I would have a ready response to tell myself I need to take one step at a time every day. Each day I wake up is a struggle. There are habits that revolve around people and things that are no longer there. I have to fill in the void, create new habits, and start a brand new routine. I have to live again somewhat differently.
I have to begin to think, act, and be someone else. I have to improvise and make up a different persona. I have to find something to cheer me up when I don’t feel like it. I have to act as if I know all the answers even when I don’t have a clue. I have to appear as if I got it altogether even when the world for me is gone.
To live again after a devastating loss requires I don a different mask. It does not feel “right” just yet but then this is just the first step to recreating a semblance of “living.” Truthfully, there are experiences that change us. I am a different person after life altering experiences.
The old self dies and in its place a stranger takes over. I have to nurture this evolving stranger that is fighting to live. In her heart, she keeps the comforting company of old familiar thoughts and feelings. She’s still the same and yet different. This is how it feels to live again when a part of you died.