I Don't Know Why

Lately, well-meaning family and friends have been coaxing me to come and join them in their festivities.  I attended a “despedida” for my mother; a baby reveal party for my nephew and his wife; and now I received an invitation for a bridal shower for my nieces.  I don’t know why but I feel more alone amongst people than I do being by myself.  This is especially hard for me since November and December are months when people have the most joyous of celebrations.  I don’t want to be rude but I don’t want to celebrate either.

What is it about family celebrations that is difficult to swallow?  For one thing, there will always be reference to my recent loss and grief.  How are you feeling?  Are you okay?  Is there something you need?  Well intentioned comments that open wounds that are just beginning to heal.  I don’t want to explain.  I don’t want to reassure people that I will be okay because often I find myself crying again just by remembering.  Then the floodgates of remembering things past rush unabated.

I don’t want to close this chapter in my life.  Not just yet.  I don’t want to start making new connections and reaching out for new experiences.  I am not ready to live again.  Right now, I am coming to terms with my own grief.  I am getting comfortable with my aloneness.  I am feeling empowered that I can “survive” these little deaths every day.  I don’t know why but I don’t want to forget even if it hurts.  Someday, maybe it will all come to reason that my life should go on.  Not just yet.  And this should be okay.